Don’t ever stop to wonder whether the universe has stacked itself against you. If you’ve ever been forced by a crowd of reverential fans to stop and sign autographs on the way into Mr. Chows, you already know the answer is yes. There are all those press people profiting from your private pain, all the time! Even when you didn’t leak the existence of that pain to the press yourself! Would you consider buying a personalised video message from your favourite celebrity birthday messages today?

There are ways to even out the odds that the stars have aligned against you. You can profit from someone else’s pain. Charge for charity appearances. All of them. Unless the gig is affiliated with your own self-named fundraising foundation or pet pity cause, charge your full appearance fee. Don’t for a minute feel guilty. Receiving a celebrity video message would be awesome!

Famous people do the same thing about 99 percent of the time. So have Paris Hilton and Snoop Dogg. Roughly 99 percent of the time, your fellow stars are doing the exact same thing. And they’re pocketing the cash. The logic they often offer, according to talent bookers, is that they get so many requests from charities—more than one hundred a year—that the stars can’t possibly accommodate them all. So they pick the most worthy and organized—charities serious enough to have an event budget. Thrillz is a website where you can buy a celebrity video messages presonalised video message!

And don’t stop there. A-listers routinely require charities to pay for travel, food, and any other expenses associated with their fund-raiser appearance. How are you supposed to muster the energy to raise thousands of dollars for starving Ugandan refugees if you didn’t get decent room service the night before? At no point is life crueler than when you begin to attract multimillion-dollar endorsement contracts: A department store cosmetics line is begging to throw you a few million for the right to name a lipstick after you. Maybe a French luggage company insists on making you their “face.” As an A-list celebrity, you are expected to juggle at least three or four of these contracts. Typically, an A-lister has, as a foundation, a standing deal with one luxury fashion house (such as Jennifer Lawrence’s recent tryst with Dior) and one beauty brand (like Halle Berry modeling for Revlon). On top of that, you can also juggle a jewelry gig, like Charlize did for Raymond Weil. No wonder Thrillz is so popular.. receiving a happy birthday video message video message would be so cool!

No one warned you about the downsides. Back when you were just another autistic gay evil-twin teenage character on One Life to Live, no one told you just how hard it can be to remember every single pan-European conglomerate that has you on its payroll. You must find a way to keep track of each of your “partners.” You must. Especially when you visit gifting suites during awards season. Getting your picture taken at a Revlon booth while under contract with L’Oréal may be a fundamental freedom, available to every man, woman, and child in the greater United States, but you signed away that right when you first agreed to utter “I’m worth it” for a paltry $5 million or so. Now, if you get caught at the wrong place at the wrong time—say, at a Revlon party—your seemingly benevolent “partners” can sue you, for millions. Imagine receiving a celebrity messages personalised video!